What is Nonviolent Communication?
Nonviolent Communication helps you notice what really matters to you and what you feel about it, and to say so clearly without judging the other person or yourself. Behind every behaviour is something a person needs. If you want to understand that, in yourself and in the other, you can look together for solutions that work for everyone.
By Bart Landstra, CNVC Certified Trainer
Definition: what is Nonviolent Communication?
Nonviolent Communication is a way of communicating developed by the American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg (1934–2015). It rests on four components: observation, feeling, need and request. The method is also known as NVC or Compassionate Communication. They are different names for the same thing.
Where it comes from
The American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg (1934–2015) grew up in Detroit, where as a child he saw a lot of violence. That gave him the question of his life: why do some people choose violence, while others in the same circumstances look for connection? He developed his answer into a way of communicating that rests on four components: observation, feeling, need and request. In 1984 he founded the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC), which still spreads his work worldwide.
Why it works
Many conflicts arise because we present judgements as if they were facts, and hide our needs behind blame. The other person hears an attack, becomes defensive, and the connection is gone. Nonviolent Communication breaks that pattern. You separate what you observe from what you think of it, and you say what you need instead of blaming the other person. Then the other person can hear what you mean.
This is most visible in conflicts, but the biggest gain lies in everyday conversations: feedback to a colleague, raising something at home, saying what you need before it turns into an argument. What you practise in calm moments, you have at hand when things get tense.
Jackal and Giraffe
Rosenberg used two animals to make two ways of speaking visible. The Jackal speaks in judgements, blame and demands: 'You never listen.' 'This is your fault.' That doesn't make it bad language, but it is language that breaks connection. The Giraffe speaks honestly and directly, without attacking. Rosenberg chose the giraffe because it is the land animal with the largest heart. In trainings you practise with Jackal ears and Giraffe ears: how do you receive a message, and what do you do with it?
Jackal language
The Jackal
- Prejudging: good or bad
- Getting irritated: don't be so stupid
- Manipulating: earning a punishment or a reward
- Generalising: it's always like this, never, everyone, no one
- Blaming: it's your fault, you should have done better...
- Demanding and forcing: must
- Interpreting: it/she/he must be...
- Imposing norms: should, that's how it's done
- Playing the victim: I couldn't do anything else, I had no choice
- Comparing: better, worse, prettier, uglier
Giraffe language
The Giraffe
- Observing facts: I see, hear, smell
- Accepting: don't say no, just say 'oh'
- Trusting and staying present
- Empathising: how is that for you?
- Attention to feelings and needs
- Requests: would you? would you like me to?
- Checking: is it right that...?
- Moving with what is alive now, saying yes to what is, allowing
- Taking responsibility and/or leaving it with the other
- Enjoying the differences
- Expressing appreciation (instead of giving compliments)
- Feeling grateful
Characteristics of the Jackal and the Giraffe from the GROK cards, www.grok.nl.
The four components
Observation, feeling, need and request are the building blocks of Nonviolent Communication. They are not steps you go through in a fixed order. You can start with what you need and then say what you saw, or come straight out with a request. What matters is that all four get a place. You use them to express yourself, and just as much to listen to the other person.
- O
Observation
What do you see or hear, without judging it? An observation is what a camera would record. 'You were fifteen minutes late for the past three weeks' is an observation. 'You're always late' is a judgement. The difference seems small, yet it determines how the other person hears you.
- F
Feeling
What does it do to you? Watch out for pseudo-feelings: 'I feel ignored' sounds like a feeling, but actually says 'you are ignoring me'. Real feelings are about you: worried, sad, relieved, scared, happy, disappointed.
- N
Need
What do you need? Needs are universal, such as safety, respect, clarity and autonomy, and they don't depend on one person. That is how they differ from a strategy. 'I want to be heard' is a need, 'you have to listen to me' a strategy. Every need can be met by several strategies, and that gives room.
- R
Request
What are you asking? Something concrete the other person can do now or soon. A request leaves room for no, a demand doesn't. 'Would you be willing to come ten minutes earlier next week?' is a request. 'You have to be on time' is a demand.
All four at once
The same moment, said two ways.
Jackal language
"Clean up your mess for once!"
Nonviolent Communication
When I come into the kitchen and the dishes are still there (observation), I feel discouraged (feeling), because I need rest and the sense that we take care of our home together (need). Would you be willing to do the dishes tonight? (request)
Three directions
You can use the four components in three ways.
Connecting with yourself
Before a conversation, take a moment for yourself. What did I observe, what do I feel, what do I need? That isn't navel-gazing. When you know what is alive in you, you can say it without attacking.
Empathic listening
Try to understand what the other person observes, feels and needs, and check it by asking rather than assuming. Only when the other person feels heard is there room for a proposal. Coming up with solutions too early mostly shows impatience.
Honest expression
Keep it short, preferably under fifty words. End with a request: for connection ('How is it for you to hear this?') or for action ('Would you be willing to...?').
How do you learn it?
Nonviolent Communication isn't a trick you learn once. It is a way of looking at yourself and others that keeps developing. In a basic training you get to know the four components and start to recognise what is going on in you. With practice that keeps growing, and even after years it keeps surprising you.
I have been giving trainings in Nonviolent Communication since 2006 and I am a CNVC Certified Trainer. You can join an open training, or I can bring a tailor-made training to your team.
Frequently asked questions
- What is the difference between Nonviolent Communication, Compassionate Communication and NVC?
- The terms are fully synonymous. They refer to exactly the same method. NVC is the abbreviation of Nonviolent Communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg. Compassionate Communication is an alternative name that puts the emphasis on connection rather than on the word 'nonviolent'. Which term you use makes no difference to the content.
- What are pseudo-feelings?
- Pseudo-feelings are statements that look like feelings, but are actually judgements about the other person. 'I feel ignored' sounds like a feeling, but really says: you are ignoring me. It is an interpretation of the other person's behaviour, not a description of what is going on inside you. Real feelings (such as worried, sad, happy, scared, relieved) say something about you, not about the other person. The distinction helps you take responsibility for your own emotions.
- What is the difference between a need and a strategy?
- A need is universal and independent of who or what meets it, such as companionship, safety, respect or clarity. A strategy is the specific way in which you want that need to be met: 'you have to be with me' is a strategy for the need for companionship. The distinction matters because one need can be met by many different strategies. When you are stuck on one strategy, you don't see that. When you name the need, there is room for creative solutions.
- Is Nonviolent Communication for conflicts, or also for everyday use?
- Nonviolent Communication is very much for everyday use. Conflicts are the most visible moments where the method helps, but the real gain lies in small, everyday conversations: giving feedback to a colleague, raising something at home, or being clear about what you need before it turns into an argument. The more you practise it in calm moments, the more you have access to it when things really get tense.
- How long does it take to learn NVC?
- NVC isn't a technique you learn once and then master. It is a practice, a way of looking at yourself and others that you keep developing. In a basic course you get to know the four components and start to recognise what is going on in yourself. With the follow-up course and regular practice that keeps growing. Many people who have worked with NVC for years keep surprising themselves.
Want to experience it yourself?
Curious what it could mean for you? Schedule a free, no-obligation 15-minute introductory call.